why has it come to this?..is it over, then? ( oh yar..i forgot...nothing really even started in the first place)...i guess it all boils down to my plain stubborness in the first place...refusing to let go...holding on...clutching straws... ( after all, what's the use of a bunch of straws to a drowning man?...haa~...if u do RGAD...this should ring a bell...).anyway...feeling really lousy right now...a prac crit paper tomorrow..for which i do not have the mood to study for at all....( but i noe i eventually will anyway... =P)..but not now....right now..i've just got to have a few things out of my mind....and guess what?..i'm writing them here.... i don't really know why i am feeling this way suddenly...perhaps it's the pre-prom blues?..haha....all the shopping's depressing me...seem to be getting all the wrong stuff...i look hideous after trimming my eyebrows....it's simply not me at all...i wonder what made me do it in the first place.....yesh...it must be peer pressure...and an inherent desire to look better....haa~ u may laugh....yesh...i find it funny that i am trying to 'enhance' my image..when actually whatever i do will probably not compare with many others....maybe i do feel inferior....maybe i am insecure...i realised ...today....today..when i was just playing on my piano...and then i felt so unloved...somehow...not that i feel unloved by my family and God...it's just ...i guess ..it's a pining for a different kind of love....while i was playing "All i ask of you"..i suddenly felt so sad...started crying...cause...memories of me and him just started coming back....no...we weren't together...probably will never be together....this is all of my own doing i guess...i should have just stopped the day we left school...but no...i had to ask him out...convinced myself that perhaps that would be e last time i would ever go out with him...talk to him...see him....yeah...what a big mistake eh?..now i'm paying for it....reliving the moments ...but ironically...weeping for memories lost...rather weeping at joy... i would say that that night...i really did enjoy myself...and in fact...i managed to tell myself that no...we would surely remain friends only... but look where it has gotten me?...down in the dumps...he's not even replying my smses anymore...what kind of a friend is that?....or maybe i am too demanding...i hope for too much..which is why little things like these get me agitated in a way.... do i love him?...i don't know...love's too strong a word for nothing which has even happened....people tell me...and I know that God has a plan for me..but it's just that sometimes....i can't help comparing myself to my really good pals...they r really intelligent..capable..beautiful...and many guys r after them...i'm their close friend..but such things never happen to me...i need help.....i must come to a resolution fast...before i break down again....for now...i studies come first...everything can be left till after tomorrow i guess....for now...i guess i'll have to keep praying for strength and an answer....
....yes...i will still get the tie for you...that was still part of the nice memories of that night ...with no strings attached....
but i do love you....as a friend....as someone who has helped my open up to others like no one else could...for the memories ...and all the mornings spent talking to u.... most importantly..i love u for who you are...
all the best in whatever you do... =)
my night has become a sunny dawn because of you//;
2:14 PM
